Heavan and hell

In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian !

Computer Heavan and hell

In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

Computer's sex

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with each other is incomprehensible to everyone else
  3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
  4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

  1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless
  2. They are supposed to solve problems, but half the time they are the problem
  3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
  4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Anagrams

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Never Argue With A Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the Woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads and if you read this it's likely you also are intelligent.

Mistakes

People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes

 

Les personnes qui travaillent beaucoup font beaucoup d'erreurs

 

People who do less work... make less mistakes

 

Les personnes qui travaillent moins font moins d'erreurs

 

People who do not work... make no mistakes

 

Les personnes qui ne travaillent pas ne font pas d'erreurs

 

People who make no mistakes... get promoted

 

Les personnes qui ne font pas d'erreurs sont promus

 

That's why some people spend most of their time sending e-mails & playing games at work They need a promotion.

 

C'est pourquoi les personnes passe mon temps à envoyer des messages & jouer au travail Les personnes veux une promotion

 

The race

race01 Once upon a time there was a Red rowing team.   This Red team agreed to hold an annual rowing race with a Green team. Each team would contain 8 men. Both teams worked really hard to get in the best shape. On the day of the first race, both teams were ready to win. race03 The Green team won by 1 mile!

race04

The Red team was crushed in their defeat, but they were determined to win the race next year. So they established a panel of auditors to observe the situation and ascertain if there were any differences between the teams. After several weeks of detailed intelligence gathering, the auditors could find only one difference; the Green team had 7 rowers and 1 captain...   race05 … and the Red team had 7 captains and 1 rower! race06 Un-perplexed by the raw data, upper management showed unexpected wisdom: they hired a consulting company to analyze the data and suggest a solution that would enable the Red team to win next year. After several months the consultants came to  the conclusion that the ratio of captains to rowers was the problem in the Red team. Based on this analysis a solution was proposed: the structure of the Red team has to be changed! Like sharks getting the scent of reorganization blood, upper management wasted no time in restructuring the Red team into 4 Captains, led by 2 Managers, reporting to 1 Senior Director with a dotted line to the rower. Besides that, in a blaze of unrestricted inspiration, they suggested they might be inclined to improve the rower’s working environment by a non-monetary reward and recognition scheme if there was improved performance by the rower. race07race08 The next year, the Green team won by 2 miles....... race09 The Red team upper management immediately fired the rower  based on his unsatisfactory performance.

race10  

A bonus was paid to the Captains, Directors, and Managers for the strong leadership and motivation they showed during the preparation phase and as an incentive for them to find a better rower for the next race. The consulting company prepared a new analysis of the restructuring activity, which showed that the strategy was good, the motivation was great, the restructuring was executed correctly, but the tool used (which was not included in the original data) was sub-standard and had to be improved. Currently the Red team management is having a new boat designed; and to demostrate fiscal and HR dexterity for stockholders they also contracted a placement agency to advertise in other countries for a new (temporary, non-direct employee) rower.