Jokes

Pizza
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Flight info
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

Ear and nose
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...*

Dead birds fly
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???

3 nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.  

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" And *poof* she's gone.  

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.  

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini"  
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."  
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.  
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.  
"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Dear Signore Diritore
As a young christian man I comma to your hotella for staia there fo ona nigt.
Whena i comma to my room, i see there is no shit in my beda, no one can sleep whit no shit in there beda. So i calla down to receptione and say: I wonna shit.
They say: Go to toilett.
I say: No you dont understanda, i wanna shit in my beda.
They say: You better not shit in your bed, your sonnowa bitch. What is a sonnaw bitch?

Then i goa to your ristorante for breakfast. I asked for egg, and two pissis of toast. I gat only one piss. So i tella waitres: I wanna piss.
She say: Go to toilett.
I say: No no, i wanna piss on the plate.
She say: You better not piss on the plate, your sonnowa bitch.

Seconda people who dont even know me called me sonnowa bitch. When i go for dinner, i spoon and knife on my table, but no fuck so i tella waitress: i wanna fuck.
She sayd: Shure, everyone wanna fuck.
I sayd: No no you missunderstand me, iwanna fuck on the table.
She said: So, you wanna fuck on the table your sonnowa bitch, get your ash out of here.
So i go to reciptione and ask for the billi i wanna no more stand at your hotella.
When i leaw the portiere say to me: Travle in pice.
I say: Piss on yourself your sonnowa bitch. So i go back to Napoli and never more comma back to your hotella your sonnawa bitch.

Sincerely Enriko Morelli

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard".

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!" "I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

Maggie's first pregnancy had produced triplets. With considerable pride she was telling her blonde friend how this happened once in every 200,000 times. The blonde's eyes widened: "Beats me how you ever found time to do any housework!"

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."

Pete invited his mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Pete's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Pete's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Pete and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Pete volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rob and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Rob came to Pete and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Pete said "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Pete
Several days later, Pete received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rob, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Rob. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell " Well Kjell, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Kjell Magne
"Oh well, it's simple", says Bill. "They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second". He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her: "Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Ah, that's simple Mr. President", says Madeleine, "it is me!"
"Well done Madeleine," says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is very impressed.

Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: "Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
Lars thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer.
"Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?"
"Of course," says Bondevik, "you've got 24 hours."
Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars Sponheim says "I'll ask Gudmund Restad, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Restad.
"Gudmund," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Very simple", says Gudmund, "it's me!"
"Of course" says Lars and rings Kjell Magne Bondevik.
"Kjell Magne", says Lars, "I've got the answer: it's Gudmund Restad".
"No you idiot", says Bondevik, "it's Madeleine Albright".

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party. He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pickup some girls. Batman said that Robin was ill & he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers but Spiderman had a date with Catwoman. As last resort Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I can be there, have sex & out again before she knew what happened". So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily.Meanwile on the bed, Wonderwoman said "Did you hear anything?", and Invisible Man replied "No! But my ass hurts like hell

In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian !

In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man. The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was on, and the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time, more casualties occurred. Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Computers: Male or Female?
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with each other is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Five resons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless
2. They are supposed to solve problems, but half the time they are the problem
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.