Mom knows

Pete invited his mother over for dinner.

During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how handsome Pete’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Pete’s sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Pete and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Pete volunteered, «I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rob and I are just roommates.»

About a week later, Rob came to Pete and said, «Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?» Pete said «Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.»

So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Pete

Several days later, Pete received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Rob, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Rob. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

Who’s yer Daddy !

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that have been written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father’s details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

  1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
  2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
  3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
  4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.
  5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
  6. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
  7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all black men look the same to me.
  8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time….well I don’t have a clue.
  9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
  10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
  11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.

The stress calendar

TuesdayWednesdayThursdayFridayFridayFridayMeeting
8765432
1615141211109
23222120191817
30292827262524
37363534333231
  1. All urgent jobs are to be delivered yesterday. With this special calendar you can order it on the 7th and get it back on the 3rd.
  2. Most jobs are to be finished on a friday, therefore there are three fridays in every week.
  3. Six new days in every month is added to manage the panic-jobs at the end of the month.
  4. There are no 1st in the month – and that way we avoid late delivery of last months last minute panic-jobs.
  5. «Blue-monday» is taken away together with none productive saturdays and sundays.
  6. Friday the 13th does not exist.
  7. A new day – meetingday – has been added so that the panic can be kept alive on regular days.
  8. Let other specialists take care of the regular work and other routine jobs, so that you can concentrate on the rush jobs and the creative production.

Good reasons for drinking at work

  1. It’s an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8. It encourages carpooling.
  9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
  16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
  18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
  19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
  20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
  21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
  22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
  23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as «gross.»
  25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

English is not easy

Try these

Beginner:
Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?

Intermediate:
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Advanced:
Three swiss witchbitches, which wished to be switched swiss witchbitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witchbitch which wishes to be a switched swiss witchbitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?